seven years ago today...

It was seven years ago today that my life changed forever... You see it was seven years ago today, around 12:15 pm that my grandmother passed away. I sit here, feeling, somewhat alone... but I know she is close by. I remember the day she passed. I remember calling my best friend, Jodi, and telling her... I remember Jodi asking me at one point if I was ok, and I remember at that moment wanting to cry... However, I honestly don't remember if I did or didnt.
I sit here today, holding all she left me so dear... holding on to every memory, every gift, every last word, every last moment. Moments with her... I remember the first time I ever felt really connected with her, I was simply 11 years old. My dad parents had died, and she was coming over to clean out their house, because it was to hard for my mom and others to do. Mama Joyce was bringing my cousin over, and so I went as well. All throughout the day I was fine... however, when the sun went down, the moon and stars came out, we all got ready for bed... Jess and I on the floor, everyone was a sleep, I couldnt sleep. I laid there, the moon light coming through the windows, lighting up the house. The house that I knew full of life. The T.V. always on, Pa (dad's dad) always in his chair, and him snoring. Very loudly I might add... I laid there, all the memories over taking me, I just couldnt fight the tears back, I had to let them out. I laid there, cried, and longed for them to come back... But they were both gone... I guess I was crying louder than I thought, Because Mama Joyce said, " Jana, you ok sweetie" thinking if I didnt answer she would just think I was sleeping weird, I laid still, I then heard her voice again. Only she was looking for an answer, knowing I was wide awake. I answered her, with my voice cracking, and tears streaming down my face. She came down to the floor right next to me, and kissed my face and said to me, "It's ok honey, they are in a better place. It's not easy I know. I am here... It's ok." with that I felt more connected with her than ever before. I calmed down and went to sleep. It was from that moment on, that I really remember feeling close to her. Our relationship grew, I grew, we grew closer, we talked on the phone... She wrote me a poem, she gave me things... She gave me her love, the love a grandmother. Nothing like it... So as we grew closer together I knew it would only make the parting even harder. The day came when we found out she had cancer, the day came when I spent the night one last time. I remember laying there, praying for God to heal her... I remember hearing her and mom talk... They we were talking about me, and she touched my back and said something... I laid there, that night, and the tears flowed, only they flowed with silence. Then she passed a week later. And my life hasnt been the same. There's a void that only she holds. I sit here tonight, much like on the night she passed, tears running down my face, and longing for one last good-bye, one last hug, one last phone conversation. But, It's to late, so I sit here, wiping my face, pulling myself together, and even though the longing seems harder on this day, the day of her death, I am realizing how she would want me to remember her and remember our fun moments, our moments of love, our moments of lunch in her back yard, and all the ones that fill my heart with joy... I honor her today... and everyday... all my life, all my love, in loving memory of Mama Joyce.