So today I was looking over my profile for this thing ok, and I see the following:
Gender: Female
Astrological Sign: Taurus
Zodiac Year: Ox
It came to me with a new light... I am an OX?! what?! I couldn't have been a cute little monkey, or something cool... I was born an ox... What does that say about me? interesting...
As I discover more and more about who I am as an.... ox.... which still, is leaving me puzzled.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Mini Update.
Wow, it's been some time. A lot has been going on. I went on a mini vacation, then I got home, and did some work and went to class, and was sick with the virus going around... and then LANDEN CAME!!! So I have a new nephew, who is so cute and so much fun! :) I love them both! I was worried that I wouldnt have as much love, but I do! I love both of them more than all the words in th world could say.
Classes are going well. I graduate in 56 days! I can wait! Really I CAN! I know most people say they CAN'T, however, I can... I am feeling really overwhelmed and unsure about graduation. I know the time will be here, and I am going to miss all those college weekends with my friends who understand me more than most... Mainly, because they understand the late night madness of a papers, group project, and all those things you just dont get until you have been in Springfield. I really truly believe that if I'd known all the details going into group project, I wouldnt have went to Springfield. But then I think, my life would be missing key people, well, mainly Ms. Hudson. She's kept me from losing it a few times.
Things here are getting more exciting. I am looking at many things to do after graduation. I will NOT be going back into the Masters right away, I am looking at moving to another country and doing some work over there. Details are still in making, and once I get it all settled I will be sure to write about it here...
Today, I had a criminal justice class, well, on the way back from lunch the professor was stopped by a cop... now, what are the chances of that?! We all laughed, simply because the girl who told us, put it this way, "Hey everyone, the teacher got stopped by the Po-Po!" and then there was a burst of laughter throughout the room. We laughed about it. and He was like do you women always share everything about eachother. It was pretty funny!
Well, I am signing off for now. I am wore out, and overwhemed right now with all this home work. I am hoping I CAN get it all done...
Much love.
("you be who you be" JPH) I just love that.
Classes are going well. I graduate in 56 days! I can wait! Really I CAN! I know most people say they CAN'T, however, I can... I am feeling really overwhelmed and unsure about graduation. I know the time will be here, and I am going to miss all those college weekends with my friends who understand me more than most... Mainly, because they understand the late night madness of a papers, group project, and all those things you just dont get until you have been in Springfield. I really truly believe that if I'd known all the details going into group project, I wouldnt have went to Springfield. But then I think, my life would be missing key people, well, mainly Ms. Hudson. She's kept me from losing it a few times.
Things here are getting more exciting. I am looking at many things to do after graduation. I will NOT be going back into the Masters right away, I am looking at moving to another country and doing some work over there. Details are still in making, and once I get it all settled I will be sure to write about it here...
Today, I had a criminal justice class, well, on the way back from lunch the professor was stopped by a cop... now, what are the chances of that?! We all laughed, simply because the girl who told us, put it this way, "Hey everyone, the teacher got stopped by the Po-Po!" and then there was a burst of laughter throughout the room. We laughed about it. and He was like do you women always share everything about eachother. It was pretty funny!
Well, I am signing off for now. I am wore out, and overwhemed right now with all this home work. I am hoping I CAN get it all done...
Much love.
("you be who you be" JPH) I just love that.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
seven years ago today...
It was seven years ago today that my life changed forever... You see it was seven years ago today, around 12:15 pm that my grandmother passed away. I sit here, feeling, somewhat alone... but I know she is close by. I remember the day she passed. I remember calling my best friend, Jodi, and telling her... I remember Jodi asking me at one point if I was ok, and I remember at that moment wanting to cry... However, I honestly don't remember if I did or didnt.
I sit here today, holding all she left me so dear... holding on to every memory, every gift, every last word, every last moment. Moments with her... I remember the first time I ever felt really connected with her, I was simply 11 years old. My dad parents had died, and she was coming over to clean out their house, because it was to hard for my mom and others to do. Mama Joyce was bringing my cousin over, and so I went as well. All throughout the day I was fine... however, when the sun went down, the moon and stars came out, we all got ready for bed... Jess and I on the floor, everyone was a sleep, I couldnt sleep. I laid there, the moon light coming through the windows, lighting up the house. The house that I knew full of life. The T.V. always on, Pa (dad's dad) always in his chair, and him snoring. Very loudly I might add... I laid there, all the memories over taking me, I just couldnt fight the tears back, I had to let them out. I laid there, cried, and longed for them to come back... But they were both gone... I guess I was crying louder than I thought, Because Mama Joyce said, " Jana, you ok sweetie" thinking if I didnt answer she would just think I was sleeping weird, I laid still, I then heard her voice again. Only she was looking for an answer, knowing I was wide awake. I answered her, with my voice cracking, and tears streaming down my face. She came down to the floor right next to me, and kissed my face and said to me, "It's ok honey, they are in a better place. It's not easy I know. I am here... It's ok." with that I felt more connected with her than ever before. I calmed down and went to sleep. It was from that moment on, that I really remember feeling close to her. Our relationship grew, I grew, we grew closer, we talked on the phone... She wrote me a poem, she gave me things... She gave me her love, the love a grandmother. Nothing like it... So as we grew closer together I knew it would only make the parting even harder. The day came when we found out she had cancer, the day came when I spent the night one last time. I remember laying there, praying for God to heal her... I remember hearing her and mom talk... They we were talking about me, and she touched my back and said something... I laid there, that night, and the tears flowed, only they flowed with silence. Then she passed a week later. And my life hasnt been the same. There's a void that only she holds. I sit here tonight, much like on the night she passed, tears running down my face, and longing for one last good-bye, one last hug, one last phone conversation. But, It's to late, so I sit here, wiping my face, pulling myself together, and even though the longing seems harder on this day, the day of her death, I am realizing how she would want me to remember her and remember our fun moments, our moments of love, our moments of lunch in her back yard, and all the ones that fill my heart with joy... I honor her today... and everyday... all my life, all my love, in loving memory of Mama Joyce.
I sit here today, holding all she left me so dear... holding on to every memory, every gift, every last word, every last moment. Moments with her... I remember the first time I ever felt really connected with her, I was simply 11 years old. My dad parents had died, and she was coming over to clean out their house, because it was to hard for my mom and others to do. Mama Joyce was bringing my cousin over, and so I went as well. All throughout the day I was fine... however, when the sun went down, the moon and stars came out, we all got ready for bed... Jess and I on the floor, everyone was a sleep, I couldnt sleep. I laid there, the moon light coming through the windows, lighting up the house. The house that I knew full of life. The T.V. always on, Pa (dad's dad) always in his chair, and him snoring. Very loudly I might add... I laid there, all the memories over taking me, I just couldnt fight the tears back, I had to let them out. I laid there, cried, and longed for them to come back... But they were both gone... I guess I was crying louder than I thought, Because Mama Joyce said, " Jana, you ok sweetie" thinking if I didnt answer she would just think I was sleeping weird, I laid still, I then heard her voice again. Only she was looking for an answer, knowing I was wide awake. I answered her, with my voice cracking, and tears streaming down my face. She came down to the floor right next to me, and kissed my face and said to me, "It's ok honey, they are in a better place. It's not easy I know. I am here... It's ok." with that I felt more connected with her than ever before. I calmed down and went to sleep. It was from that moment on, that I really remember feeling close to her. Our relationship grew, I grew, we grew closer, we talked on the phone... She wrote me a poem, she gave me things... She gave me her love, the love a grandmother. Nothing like it... So as we grew closer together I knew it would only make the parting even harder. The day came when we found out she had cancer, the day came when I spent the night one last time. I remember laying there, praying for God to heal her... I remember hearing her and mom talk... They we were talking about me, and she touched my back and said something... I laid there, that night, and the tears flowed, only they flowed with silence. Then she passed a week later. And my life hasnt been the same. There's a void that only she holds. I sit here tonight, much like on the night she passed, tears running down my face, and longing for one last good-bye, one last hug, one last phone conversation. But, It's to late, so I sit here, wiping my face, pulling myself together, and even though the longing seems harder on this day, the day of her death, I am realizing how she would want me to remember her and remember our fun moments, our moments of love, our moments of lunch in her back yard, and all the ones that fill my heart with joy... I honor her today... and everyday... all my life, all my love, in loving memory of Mama Joyce.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Storms
Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.
This is now hanging on the wall in our bathroom... I love this saying, It's so true. So often in life we sit, wait, and hope that the strom will pass... It will... But first, we must learn all we need to learn from the strom. Get out and dance in the rain. Once my professor challenged my class to get out in the rain and just play in it... So, I did, it was cold, yet so refreshing... I stood there, looking up the sky, with the rain falling so soft upon my skin, and thought that no matter how much women "dont" like the rain, (because it causes our hair to mess up, our pants to get wet, and water in our shoes.) there's something about it that not only brings life to our earth, but life to us as humans... But the kind of life where you feel refreshed, touched, and maybe even changed. because, as my professor also said, "after the rain, the sun will shine again." I can tell you it is true. Just look outdoors. We had rain over the weekend, and now, its the weekend again, and the sun is out. Through out life we go in and out of seasons, good seasons, bad seasons, happy seasons, sad season, and all the seasons in between... No matter what, the sun will shine again... Storms never last forever, rain doesnt come all the time... But when there is a storm, and when there is rain, learn to dance, sing, and play. Learn all you can, all you need, and then when the sun shines again, learn all you can from that season. Seasons don't last forever, they come and go, much like people in your life, or much like pregnancy. It comes and goes... :)Remember in the storm, dance, in the sun, dance, in the rain, dance, dance like no one is watching.
This is now hanging on the wall in our bathroom... I love this saying, It's so true. So often in life we sit, wait, and hope that the strom will pass... It will... But first, we must learn all we need to learn from the strom. Get out and dance in the rain. Once my professor challenged my class to get out in the rain and just play in it... So, I did, it was cold, yet so refreshing... I stood there, looking up the sky, with the rain falling so soft upon my skin, and thought that no matter how much women "dont" like the rain, (because it causes our hair to mess up, our pants to get wet, and water in our shoes.) there's something about it that not only brings life to our earth, but life to us as humans... But the kind of life where you feel refreshed, touched, and maybe even changed. because, as my professor also said, "after the rain, the sun will shine again." I can tell you it is true. Just look outdoors. We had rain over the weekend, and now, its the weekend again, and the sun is out. Through out life we go in and out of seasons, good seasons, bad seasons, happy seasons, sad season, and all the seasons in between... No matter what, the sun will shine again... Storms never last forever, rain doesnt come all the time... But when there is a storm, and when there is rain, learn to dance, sing, and play. Learn all you can, all you need, and then when the sun shines again, learn all you can from that season. Seasons don't last forever, they come and go, much like people in your life, or much like pregnancy. It comes and goes... :)Remember in the storm, dance, in the sun, dance, in the rain, dance, dance like no one is watching.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Live, Laugh, Love.
I am starting this blog off with one of my favorite quotes...
"To remove me from my essence is to deny me of who I am."
I just love that... because who wants to not be their true self... sadly so many out there... Mainly, it's because they don't like who they are... If you don't like who you are, change it, for the better. Easier said then done I am well aware...
After a long day, I am sitting here at the computer listening to Delilah...I love this show. Everything about it. For me, there is nothing like pulling through Starbucks, getting my favorite coffee, and sitting under the stars listening to the stories. As I pull away from the drive-thru, I am reminded to slow down and love someone. I then decide to offer one more smile, one more thank you as I pull away... I am sure, after the 3rd of 4th thank you from the same person the lady or man at the window is for someone elses thank you... Or, whatever else it is that person wishes to say. So for now, I am signing off to slow down and love someone... :)
"To remove me from my essence is to deny me of who I am."
I just love that... because who wants to not be their true self... sadly so many out there... Mainly, it's because they don't like who they are... If you don't like who you are, change it, for the better. Easier said then done I am well aware...
After a long day, I am sitting here at the computer listening to Delilah...I love this show. Everything about it. For me, there is nothing like pulling through Starbucks, getting my favorite coffee, and sitting under the stars listening to the stories. As I pull away from the drive-thru, I am reminded to slow down and love someone. I then decide to offer one more smile, one more thank you as I pull away... I am sure, after the 3rd of 4th thank you from the same person the lady or man at the window is for someone elses thank you... Or, whatever else it is that person wishes to say. So for now, I am signing off to slow down and love someone... :)
Monday, June 2, 2008
Oh the Places you will go...
I was a graduation last week for one of my cousins... and at the graduation they read a book... called, "oh, the places you will go." I have been thinking a lot about that book, and the story line to it, it stands out and really has a message... I don't know, maybe it is a message just for me. But, Oh the places we will go... I hope we walk together for some time.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
The first time.
I sit back tonight, its rainy, the house is still, I am suppose to be working on homework, however, nothing seems to be flowing right now. A few days ago I got a letter in the mail. It's from my aunt, who is incarcerated, and gets out in 2011. As I read her letter, which is filled of her daily life, and the lives of our estranged family members, I remained thankful that my parents raised me different; I can't picture ever sitting on the front porch with my mom smoking, snorting, drinking, or doing whatever we felt like putting in our bodies that morning. If you've been down that road and are on the mends, my hats off to you. It must be a challenge to over come something with such power. Whether one realizes or not, the power it has over you is often stronger than what you really have in you. However, I didn’t intend for my first blog to go down this path. I just went. I find myself doing that more these days. Just going. I don’t want to live life just going through. I am sure it has a lot to do with graduation coming close... only 76 days. I can't believe how close I am! I found out today all of my claims have passed. I am so pleased! I was worried; however, I am good and set to go! Go down a new road, a new path, a new life. Not that I am leaving my current, or old life behind, I am just heading out on a new one. One that excites, thrills me, pushes me, and breaks me. By breaking I mean, I hope it keeps me humble, and open minded. I might have a degree of importance, however, I don't ever what that importance to get to my head, and my head become bigger than body. I am already called, "bobble head" due to the fact I volunteer for everything we need to get done and accomplished in group. Our wonderful TA came up with that nick name for me. hehe. One of my favorite things in life is quotes. I have one person in my life, who I can sit and talk to her all day, and learn so much, She said this in a conversation a few of us were having and its something that stuck with me, and now it's helping me to become the person I am destined to become. "Healthy love creates a space to become your best self, and you are becoming your best self."
One of things I look at continually is how healthy my relationship with people is. Are they helping me to become my best self? Are they helping me to be all I can? Or are they removing me from me? Are they removing me from my essence and encouraging things I don’t feel are me? Relationships of all kinds shape us and mold us into who we become in life, and whether its a friendship, family relationship, dating, or marriage relationship each of these people in your life are going to have some influence on who you are, and where you go in life. Now, I can let my estranged families life style affect me, and shape me, but I know that, that's not who I want to be, nor is it what I really want out of life. Healthy love helps you to become your best self... and the best gift you can give to someone is yourself, your best self... Create healthy loving relationships... It leads to wonderful paths in life. “Oh, the places you will go…” Till next time… my eyes are closing, my mind is going longing for rest, and my fingers are going numb from the endless hours of typing.
One of things I look at continually is how healthy my relationship with people is. Are they helping me to become my best self? Are they helping me to be all I can? Or are they removing me from me? Are they removing me from my essence and encouraging things I don’t feel are me? Relationships of all kinds shape us and mold us into who we become in life, and whether its a friendship, family relationship, dating, or marriage relationship each of these people in your life are going to have some influence on who you are, and where you go in life. Now, I can let my estranged families life style affect me, and shape me, but I know that, that's not who I want to be, nor is it what I really want out of life. Healthy love helps you to become your best self... and the best gift you can give to someone is yourself, your best self... Create healthy loving relationships... It leads to wonderful paths in life. “Oh, the places you will go…” Till next time… my eyes are closing, my mind is going longing for rest, and my fingers are going numb from the endless hours of typing.
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