some time...

Wow, the month of October has pretty much come and gone. I can hardly believe this weekend Starts November! It seems like this time last year was just here! A lot has been going on with me, and I've been pulling back from a lot of things lately... Some good, some, not so good, but thats what happens when you are simply trying to figure out what your next step in life just might be. This time of the year brings up so much excitement and joy for me. First off, I love the cool crisp air, hmm and that sky! It's such a clean blue it makes you stare at it for hours!!! And the cloudless sky at night. The stars shinning ever so bright. I woke up the other morning to the sound of fire wood crackling, I walked in to tell my sister, who just turned 18... happy birthday, and saw the bright orange flames bursting to get out of the contained area... however it wasnt enough to cause this overly wore out woman awake for the rest of the morning. I've been working 2 jobs, and job hunting on the side... Just incase you were wondering... NOT FUN... A lot has changed, things aren't working out as I had thought, but I know it's all going to fall into place. I just need a little more time to get it and my feelings all straightened out. Last night was perfect, my Joshie and I had a sleep over, he wouldnt not go home with his mommy and daddy. When they went to take him, he simply looked to them, and said night night and blew a kiss, as they walked out he did his little victory hands in the air thing. So, He came to my room with his "bup" (cup) and snuggled into me and we read more more more said the baby, once it finished he went to sleep and felt for me most of the night, I dont mind it. I love waking up and having him all cozy in my bed sleeping so peacefully. When he wakes up he looks to me, smiles and the first words are "GAUNGA!" that would be our dog, Saunga... Whom Josh adores... but everytime I wake up to him sleeping peacefully I am so over come with a love that, I could never measure. And then there's my little Landen, who is just not even a baby! He loves his walker, yes, his walker. He's 5 months old, and is trying his hardest to keep up with his brother, who loves him more than words. I never knew I could love two human beings as much as I do them. Life is crazy right now, so it's the moments with the boys or just looking out enjoying a nice cup of coffee on a cool autumn day that really keeps me going... all in all, this journey will figure itself out, I just have to wait and trust it to do just that.

October to December.

It is always this time of year when I start thinking about how I have grown or how I havent, and what it is I really want to accomplish for the remaining months of the year... However for the first time in a long time I am some what content as to where I am... I have graduated college, the first in my family, on both sides, I've repaired some relationships that were lost, I've made the decision to move and live in Europe, and take some time to really discover and find out who this girl with in me is. I have a clue, but I want to know what she is really made of... such as, will she make it four whole months with out seeing or hugging her little buddies, or being here watching home made videos and laughing at how weird I was as a child... ok I might be a little weird still, but I now talk like a civil person, and I am not tom boyish. :) I love the make up, nails and hair. Everything about being a girl! :) For whatever reason I've been longing to get back in contact with those whom I've lost contact with. I think it goes back to Mr. Mike passing away sometime ago. It has been hardest for me in my family... But it's just made me long to get back in contact with every person who has had some type of impact on my life. Some have been fun, others, it's been interesting, and some haven't been interested. Which is fine, I understand. Others I've learned to let go, and realize theres a reason they're not here in my life now. The preparation I've taken to get here, was by no means easy, and half the time I didn't understand what the heck I was feeling. Tonight as I sit here, I feel blessed to have every person in my life that is here and that isn't. We've been on this home video kick for about a week now, it's been a blast and as weird as I might had been it's still so funny. It's also this time of year when I long to be home, for the fair, and hanging out with friends at coffee shops or sitting in their apts playing games until ungodly hours in the morning and it being so cold out... :) Over all, there are things I long to change, and there are things I am working on... But for once, in a long time I can honestly say I am happy with where I am in my life... I am embracing me for who I am, and where I am going. It's taken me a while to get to this place, and without going to Springfield, and without one teacher in my life, I wouldn't be at the point I am now... Content with being me...
I love the way fall makes me feel and the warmth it brings with it. The holidays are right around here, I am excited for decorating and such... Shopping on the other hand... Not so much!