just a little something.

Life these last few weeks for me have been more than frustrating, I’m being stretched more than ever and sometimes I don’t handle it so well. A lot has changed, for us as a nation, for our world, and yet for so many personally. I’ve become very frustrated with my current employer, and his lack of understanding how to be a manager, or run a hotel for that matter. It’s sad when your employees who are new know more than you do about the hotel you’ve been overseeing for two years now. Anyways, that’s not the purpose of my email. Personally, I was looking forward to a nice holiday season, where I wasn’t be rushed about from working on Thanksgiving, and Christmas, or having to rush off to classes, I was ready for a year to just be able to hang out with my family, and make memories, put the lights on the tree of choice, and the list goes on. However, due to my current situation, unless something happens, which is what I am hoping for… It will be a rushed season… To many wondering about Spain, and all it was going to be, it’s been put on hold. For when I am not sure, I do hope it happens soon. No, this doesn’t mean I will be enrolling for the Masters, if you ask Sweet Ms. Hudson I will do it in time, her face said that to me yesterday when I proudly announced I wouldn’t be doing the masters, she also reaffirmed what I saw in her expression through her gentle words. Anyways, that’s the latest update. I am trying a to get a job here, or anywhere for that matter. All in all, I am thankful for my job and I am thankful I know how to do it well, and even though life is a little out of hand right now, and I might feel like losing it from time to time, I am still alive and breathing, I am still able to enjoy all the love that surrounds me. And to that, I am thankful

some time...

Wow, the month of October has pretty much come and gone. I can hardly believe this weekend Starts November! It seems like this time last year was just here! A lot has been going on with me, and I've been pulling back from a lot of things lately... Some good, some, not so good, but thats what happens when you are simply trying to figure out what your next step in life just might be. This time of the year brings up so much excitement and joy for me. First off, I love the cool crisp air, hmm and that sky! It's such a clean blue it makes you stare at it for hours!!! And the cloudless sky at night. The stars shinning ever so bright. I woke up the other morning to the sound of fire wood crackling, I walked in to tell my sister, who just turned 18... happy birthday, and saw the bright orange flames bursting to get out of the contained area... however it wasnt enough to cause this overly wore out woman awake for the rest of the morning. I've been working 2 jobs, and job hunting on the side... Just incase you were wondering... NOT FUN... A lot has changed, things aren't working out as I had thought, but I know it's all going to fall into place. I just need a little more time to get it and my feelings all straightened out. Last night was perfect, my Joshie and I had a sleep over, he wouldnt not go home with his mommy and daddy. When they went to take him, he simply looked to them, and said night night and blew a kiss, as they walked out he did his little victory hands in the air thing. So, He came to my room with his "bup" (cup) and snuggled into me and we read more more more said the baby, once it finished he went to sleep and felt for me most of the night, I dont mind it. I love waking up and having him all cozy in my bed sleeping so peacefully. When he wakes up he looks to me, smiles and the first words are "GAUNGA!" that would be our dog, Saunga... Whom Josh adores... but everytime I wake up to him sleeping peacefully I am so over come with a love that, I could never measure. And then there's my little Landen, who is just not even a baby! He loves his walker, yes, his walker. He's 5 months old, and is trying his hardest to keep up with his brother, who loves him more than words. I never knew I could love two human beings as much as I do them. Life is crazy right now, so it's the moments with the boys or just looking out enjoying a nice cup of coffee on a cool autumn day that really keeps me going... all in all, this journey will figure itself out, I just have to wait and trust it to do just that.

October to December.

It is always this time of year when I start thinking about how I have grown or how I havent, and what it is I really want to accomplish for the remaining months of the year... However for the first time in a long time I am some what content as to where I am... I have graduated college, the first in my family, on both sides, I've repaired some relationships that were lost, I've made the decision to move and live in Europe, and take some time to really discover and find out who this girl with in me is. I have a clue, but I want to know what she is really made of... such as, will she make it four whole months with out seeing or hugging her little buddies, or being here watching home made videos and laughing at how weird I was as a child... ok I might be a little weird still, but I now talk like a civil person, and I am not tom boyish. :) I love the make up, nails and hair. Everything about being a girl! :) For whatever reason I've been longing to get back in contact with those whom I've lost contact with. I think it goes back to Mr. Mike passing away sometime ago. It has been hardest for me in my family... But it's just made me long to get back in contact with every person who has had some type of impact on my life. Some have been fun, others, it's been interesting, and some haven't been interested. Which is fine, I understand. Others I've learned to let go, and realize theres a reason they're not here in my life now. The preparation I've taken to get here, was by no means easy, and half the time I didn't understand what the heck I was feeling. Tonight as I sit here, I feel blessed to have every person in my life that is here and that isn't. We've been on this home video kick for about a week now, it's been a blast and as weird as I might had been it's still so funny. It's also this time of year when I long to be home, for the fair, and hanging out with friends at coffee shops or sitting in their apts playing games until ungodly hours in the morning and it being so cold out... :) Over all, there are things I long to change, and there are things I am working on... But for once, in a long time I can honestly say I am happy with where I am in my life... I am embracing me for who I am, and where I am going. It's taken me a while to get to this place, and without going to Springfield, and without one teacher in my life, I wouldn't be at the point I am now... Content with being me...
I love the way fall makes me feel and the warmth it brings with it. The holidays are right around here, I am excited for decorating and such... Shopping on the other hand... Not so much!

Anticipating fall

It’s always this time of year when I am longing for the cloudless sky, the leaves on the trees changing to orange, red, and eventually brown and on the ground. The wind blowing against my skin, the air is so fresh and cool you long to be in it twenty-four hours. Pumpkin Spice Lattes with a shot of vanilla are almost an every other day enjoyment. The stars at night are brighter, and yet it’s darker out. I’ve been enjoying this 78-80ish weather far too much. It’s almost inspired me enough to go “fall dress” shopping. I am longing to buy that first long sleeve shirt like no other. All in all, this is my favorite time of year; I honestly hate to see it go… There’s just something about it that bring such great anticipation for the unknown.
I can’t wait to layout in the grass under the stars, with a pumpkin spice latte… hmm maybe tomorrow night, maybe just maybe.

Man on the moon--by me

Man on the Moon.

I looked at the man on the moon
Wondering what I was really going to do.

I sat there, he said, nothing.
The man on the moon reached down for me.

I took hold of his hand
The ground I was on was unknown,
But then it felt known.

He smiled and whispered
sweet melodies in my ear.

Later, just before the sun rose
He sent me back to earth.

Only He sent me back without a trace
Of reality…leading me to believe it was a dream.

Perhaps it was a dream.
Perhaps it was reality.

Maybe just maybe it was my dreams.

Painting half done.

I am continually working on improving myself. Since graduation has happened, I've found out, I don't like not writing papers... I miss it a lot, and I know when classes for my friends start back next week, I am going to be, super crazy, and wanting to be there. It will prove to be interesting. I pulled out my senior paper last night, graduation is depended upon that paper. As I wrote that paper, I realized how much I had grown and as one of my professors (Sweet Ms. Hudson) is always telling me: "you're still learning to trust the process, and you are still becoming my best self." Because as I have learned when becoming your best self, you are giving into the process of change, and learning how to make the most out of life, and yourself. Because without change there can be no growth, and without growth becoming your best self is nearly, if not impossible. Anyways, so, as I am learning to just relax and trust the process right now, I realize I am growing, and while change and growth are not always comfortable, it is a requirement to really live life. So often, for me I have noticed that when change inside is occurring that is when I want to pull away, or go "home" wherever home may be. I fear the change, for whatever reason. But, I am learning to trust it and make me into a better human being. As hard as it might be... and as numb as I might feel at times, as Ms. Hudson also says: "things are going to unfold they way they are going to unfold..." and I just have to trust myself and the tools I've been given along the way to become my best self...

Graduation

Ahh Graduation has come and gone... Here are a few emails I wrote for people and mailed out...

Email the night after Grad:

So, today ended my journey at Springfield as an undergraduate student... It is by far, one of the most exciting times of my life.. The day held all I thought it would... Class as long and I could hardly sit still... But then 3:45 came, and I was out of there. :) I feel so weird about not working on homework. I've thought several times tonight once we got home how I should be working on homework... Then, it hit me, I don't have any homework to work on. And that felt pretty good! Below are a few pictures from graduation that I took, I will write more about tonight later, however, it's 1:13 a.m. and I had less than four hours of sleep last night... but I can't believe I am done.. really... It's weird...

Email after having more time to reflect on Graduation:

Ok guys here it is… Sorry to those who have been asking about graduation and I am just now getting back to you… I can no longer use the excuse of homework as to why there is delay in my reply to each of you. However, I have been ill and currently lacking a voice. So, I figured no better time than to update and answer all the emails at once… Graduation went very well. I had class the day of, but it turned out not to be so bad. The day was super long, and yet it went very quick. It was good to be in class, kept my mind from wondering and helped to keep my nerves down until I started getting dressed for graduation… However, I did find myself wondering the halls somewhat more than normal. But, it all worked out. We started lining up and doing class pictures at about 4:45, that was the longest 15 minutes of my life, I mean that 15 minutes was longer than the whole day in class. I wore my super cute open toe shoes, yes, the most uncomfortable shoes, but it’s all in the name of cute shoes. We walked in, I don’t remember hearing the music play, I was just focused on not letting my clumsiness get the best of me. (For those who have seen that side of me, you know what I mean.) Graduation was under way, and I remember thinking, “ok should I be feeling more than I do now?” I also remember thinking ok let’s just walk so I know if I wipe out in front of all these people, I didn’t. Thank goodness!!! The ceremony went well, not to long, just about the right amount of time. Once we all walked; we then did the moving of the tassel, and that for me, was probably the most exciting part of the whole ceremony. Then we walked out, and I did well. I didn’t cry the whole time…until… I hugged Ms. Hudson, and then it was a wave of emotions… Over all, graduation was great, I had a fabulous time, and don’t really feel any different. I guess that will come once I start working in the field. Or as I’ve heard once I get my diploma in the mail. To those wondering about Spain; I am not leaving until January. I am currently looking for an evening job so that money can go into savings, because I want to have a grand time there. I am not sure how long I will be there, I am looking at several months… I keep you posted on that as time and more details unfold. I believe that is all… Hope all is well, and having a nice week, and a lot better weather we are having with this hurricane! It’s the longest hurricane I’ve lived through… or well, I remember any ways. Stay dry, safe, and well.
Much love to all.
PS here are a few more pictures... some here are the Professional ones... Sorry if there are repeats.. I can't recall what I have or haven't sent over...You can see them all on my facebook account...